Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
