I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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