that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
