I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if only i could text you this smell
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
