and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
