this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
