I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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