mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
