Just fell off a train. Bad.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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