I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize