be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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