im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
