I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
