dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
