Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize