chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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