Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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