Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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