Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize