Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
