Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's never too late to be topless.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
