I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
