I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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