Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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