I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
