I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
