first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
