Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
