just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
