I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
