u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
