I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
