trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
