Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
