Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
