I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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