Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
