We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
