So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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