I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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