Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
