I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
