after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
