....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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