It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
