now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
