This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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