fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
