11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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