my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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