If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
