Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
