The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
