Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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