I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
